Is this a crochet post? No. But, something about me, and maybe even you. It is my dirty little secret, and maybe yours too.
Everyone has one. Some more than one.. and some say they do not have a secret, but I bet they do… I did mention my “dirty little secret” in a past post, very subtly, without any explanation or elaboration.
Anyway…. Since most of my social life (not all) is on the internet, or well work-life: talking with testers, fellow designers.. editors etc. Most have had no idea about the secret – thus is that of the internet world. We can be who we want, pretend to be who wish to be…
Most of you who have read my blog over the last few years, and the old blog before I moved here.. know that naturally, I am pretty health conscious. I still have weight to lose, but for the most part, I have always ate healthy.
I buy antibiotic & hormone free milk. Heartland Creamy is what we get- aren’t the glass bottles so cool? I get a buck fifty back on each when returning the bottle.. I have kept a few, so I filter water, then pour the water in a couple of bottles. There we go, no plastic leaking chemicals into my water stored in the fridge.
Even before the big green movement, I was big on greens, big on buying organic and local… my pancake mix has always been whole wheat. Though I drink lots of coffee, I drink lots of green tea, as well as my yerba mate. Gotta love the Yerba Mate, though I have to admit, I think I like the taste of green tea better. And you know what rocks?
Two years ago my sister and her now husband got me some tea.. This place is so awesome, you can even mix different varieties to get that perfect tea! These little tin cans are resuable too and can store future purchases of tea..
Check it out, there are even little flowers in this Rose Garden tea. MMMmmm… Check out the Teavana website, in case you do not have one in a town near you (like me).
So anyway. How could someone be so healthy, yet have this dirty little secret? How could this person, who eats her veggies, is health conscious, almost neurotic to a point where she had a field day with her daughter’s preschool teachers for turning an eye to paint fumes infiltrating the building from another room, do anything that could definitely harm?
I am not sure. But life is full of oddities. Well what is this secret? Knowing Fire Child’s and Water Child’s teachers sometimes read this blog… knowing work-related friends and occasionally read here.. Is the reason why I have never mentioned.. nor ever felt a need to.
So what is this dirty little secret that I have been carrying around? I used to smoke.
Some may be mortified. Other may be like, “who cares.” Either way, it is subjective to each person if it really qualifies as a “dirty little secret,” and to me, it does. Some people will smoke to oblivion and blow the smoke right in your face and not give a hoot.. Some, do not bring attention to it and just a few people close to them know. Others hide it completely – closet smokers. I was in the middle.. I tried to only smoke when by myself, and only those select few people who either smoked themselves or that I felt at ease enough to smoke around and did not mind it.
I never ever thought I would be able to quit. I really didn’t. I was such a slave to them. Whenever I would go out, had to make sure I had a pack on me… Before I went to sleep, had to make sure I had some for the morning. If I had to go on a plane, my first thought was NOT would I crash (yes I have a tiny fear of planes), but rather, my first thought was, oh no how long would I have to go without a cigarette for.
Ah! How I polluted myself.
For the past couple of years, I had in my head that I wanted to quit before my birthday this past year (my bday was in December). Of course I put it off for as long as I could. For the last 4 years, I had wisdom teeth issues. To the point that I was taking advil on a daily basis, actually more like 3-times-daily basis. Finally, a dentist opened up that would accept my card, and scheduled an appt to have them looked at. He said 1 definitely needed to come out and would talk about the others later. I said fine. So the tooth extraction was set for Nov 18th.
I think I had the living kajeebers scared out of me, as people said NOT to smoke, it would cause dry socket. Well, I had a decision to make.. I decided that would be my quit day, as I could not smoke for 48 hrs. This was all on a whim. Had I not had that appt, I am not sure I would have really set a date.
I decided that to make it easier, I would use the patch. The last couple of times I tried to quit (which lasted for a day), I had horrible mood swings, to the point I was even scolding myself for something petty. That was my strongest withdrawal symptom – mood. Not cravings, not headaches, etc.. For me, it was my mood. No patience.. maybe it was psychological and I needed something to take it out on that I could not have a cigarette and so it just boiled up even more in my head.
So, the day arrived. I had my last cigarette before going in. Like, maybe 3 mins before going in. He takes my tooth out, packs it, out I go. In an instant, ALL of the pain I had in my moth was gone.. gone gone gone. My daily advil ritual ceased right then and there. I went home, and an hour or two later, put on the patch.
Could not believe it, no withdrawal, no no nothing. This is easy I thought.
Well, it did not last long. By the 5th day, I had to remove the patch. My bones (yes my bones) in my arms could not handle it. They ached.. to the point my arm would just dangle as it was too painful to even raise my hand. I guess joint or bone pain is a possible side affect, and my body did not take it in stride, at all.
So I took the patch off, but did not have a cigarette. There were no mood swings. There were some cravings. By the first month, most of those diminished. Now, only into the 3rd month, I never think about them. I never get the “oh I really want one.” No cravings. In fact, I cannot stand the smell of smoke now. I never ever ever thought I would be this way, as I was a smoker and I really liked my cigarettes
I know I will never smoke again. One of Water Child’s friend’s mother is a smoker, big time. I told him next time to bring a set of clothes here I can wash and keep for him when he comes over so he can change into.. because the stench just lingers, and lingers…
Even in the store, in an instant, I can tell if someone is a smoker.. or was around smoke recently. The post office is the worse.. for some reason that place when a smoker walks in, the smell is intensified. No idea why.
I feel like a new person.. It is so different being able to go somewhere and not have to check to be sure I have my smokes. I feel clean. It is healthier for me. And though I never smoked indoors, I am sure it lingered on my clothes.. So it is healthier for Water & Fire Child.
I now feel like I can do anything. I even told my mom.. if she decided to quit, I would move in with her for a month to get her through it. I think she is seriously taking me up on that offer I hope she does.
Sorry so long winded.. It is just such a big thing to me, that I actually did it. I really, really did it. And I know because I told myself I would not announce it anywhere until I was 100% sure I was a quit done never smoke again.